Bummin' Around

I hate bums. I don't even care for the expression "bum". We've all used it at one time or another. When I smoked I was often heard to quip, "Can I bum a cigarette", or at times," can I bum a couple of bucks so I can buy my own cigarettes and in turn allow others to bum smokes off of me". It was in some ways the circle of life...the life of the bummer. Not that I was a bum, but just that I liked to borrow from their lifestyle choice in order to obtain free cigarettes or unearned income. But at some point i grew up and decided not to depend on others to support my addiction or in turn, my laziness. I got out and did for myself. The same cannot be said for the bum, or hobo, in our current society.
Basically bums come in different varieties. But unlike the standard Baskin and Robbin's variety, they are limited to four.

The first is the depressed bum. This is the bum who you usually see on the street sitting Indian style with a poorly written sign resting on their lap and his head down. The sign usually has the same message. That they are A. Hungry and B. a veteran of a recent American waged war. When I was a kid the bum was always a Vietnam veteran who had seen to much in the bush and could no longer grasp life in these United States. I began to believe that most of these guys had not even been in the Army, let alone Vietnam. My guess was that they had simply seen "The Deer Hunter" and had figured that they would simply rely on American guilt for their earning potential. In recent years bums have been bread by much more recent wars such as Desert Storm and Operation Iraqi Freedom. I for one hope that America's foray into armed combat is drawing to a close. I can no longer financially afford these people.

The second type of bum is the angry bum. I always thought that if life decided to way lay me in the groin, I would be this type of bum. The kind that is so mad at life and how I wound up in it, that all social graces would just be left by the side of the road. This is the bum that doesn't bother with the sign, but rather just hits you up for some money. A real get in your face type of bum. I have to believe that if they were this aggressive in the job market they'd be the freakin' head of General Motors by now. Its not the lack of sign or the "in my face attitude" that one normally associates with pro basketball players or hip hop artists, that bothers me. No, its the yelling that comes when I decide that I would rather spend my hard earned money on myself then on them. Or the factor that I am not a walking ATM machine that just dolls out cash to whomever has the secret code that comes in the form of "hey man give me a dollar". They ask, I ignore and then I get, "Well fuck you" or "Just Give me some money" or "thanks for ruining my day". Its the last one that hurts the most. I'm pretty sure that their day, week, month and for that matter year, where well ruined before I unfortunately crossed their path.. Now thanks to them, I have to carry that guilt all day, or for at least five minutes. That is until something else draws my attention, like a squirrel or a blue car. These bums sometimes have a story to go along with their bumming. Something along the likes of "my car ran out of gas", or "I need money for a bus ticket so that I can get out of town before the mob, and or CIA, get me" or "my wife was abducted by UFO's and I need money for a plane ticket so that I can fly to Florida and complain to NASA personally for not keeping the skies safe and to help make an attempt to get my baby back". For those of you familiar with New York City these bums usually come in the form of twenty somethings who choose to bum instead of finding a job. I figure that they are doing well with this line of work since they seem to be able to afford rent in the city, just not a sandwich. I am a little envious though. In my current line of work I am in no position to pay city rent. But the joke is on them since they are probably unaware that the bum retirement plan is pretty weak and their health benefit package leaves a lot to be desired.

Clocking in at number three is my least favorite bum; entertaining bum. This is the bum who before he hits you up for the money attempts to entertain you in some way, usually with a type of word play. This bum is truly most annoying since he is so hard to ignore. Unlike sad or angry bum, which one can just walk by, this bum walks with you, and like a vacuum salesman, he simply will not take no for an answer. Now I come from a long line of ignorers. My people ignore like they were born to do it. My Great Uncle Philippe lived through the London Blitz unaware that it was even happening. He simply tuned it out. Aunt Hortence was present at President Kennedy's assassination, but simply turned a blind eye to it. My own father was unaware he had a son until my graduation from college. So ignoring is in my blood. But neither I, nor great Aunt Hortence, could pay little heed to these bums. They run towards you like wolves onto a steak. They begin by making small talk and ask how you are doing. Then they propose a small wager. They'll do something that will so shock and amaze me that I'll have no choice but to depart unto them some of my money. The exchange usually goes like this:

(Sun shinning as I walk down Third Ave. on my way to meet a friend)
Me: Ahhhh, what a beautiful day
Bum: Hey buddy what's going on?
Me: Please leave me alone.
Bum: You look good today, I hope God is smiling down upon you.
Me: At this moment in time I would say that he wasn't.
Bum: Hey, I've got an idea. How about I do something that will make you want to give me money.
Me: Please go away.
Bum: I'll tell you were you got your shoes and you give me five bucks.
Me; No
Bum: Please, I need bus fare.
Me: Hey, no fair. Your crossing over into angry bum territory. Play in your own league.
Bum: Okay. Now how about our deal.
Me: Please Jesus, kill me now. Jesus?...Are you there Jesus?.........Okay fine. Thrill me.
Bum: Al-righty...........You got your shoes on Third Avenue.
(I go blank as blows rain down upon bum. I awake three hours later in police custody and looking at a lengthy jail term. But it well worth it)


In some cases these bums exchange some cheap merchandise, that they has come across, for the money in your pocket. Now, I must warn you. Most of this merchandise has been pulled from local dumpsters or is in some cases, stolen. The dumpster merchandise is usually easy to spot. It tends to be mismatched. In one hand the bum will be holding a ski hat and Bic pens and in the other hand he'll be holding a bathing thong and a can of shaving cream. The stolen stuff at least has a theme. For instance they may be holding half a dozen foam front baseball hats that say thing like "Number One Grandpa" or "Sexy Grandma". The type of hats that truck drivers and mentally depraved old people wear. The kind of people who think hats like that are either some type of award or reflective of how others see them. Thee bum will want to give you the merchandise at a reduced cost. In some cases asking you just to give them one fifth the actual asking price that one would normally pay in a store for this top of the line product. Now here is where the bum's lack of job skills and economic knowledge really work against them. Since the product is stolen and thereby has no value, I can simply take the product and not feel obliged to make financial restitution. After-all one fifth of nothing is nothing. Game, set and match.....Me.


Finally we come to the most mysterious off all bums, and that is the bum who owns a TV. If you walk down some of the streets in the city you can often see someone sitting on the streets bathed in a flickering blue light. Not unusual to see someone bathed in colored light, especially in the city. What with all of that neon they use. But as you approach you notice that it isn't neon coloring the man, but rather a small battery powered TV set that he has propped up on a box and is watching. Usually its some half brained sit-com. I guess that's all he can get. It must be hard to get cable on that thing so you know he doesn't have any info on how the Yankees did that night. This is the one bum I really can't figure out. They always seem happy and never hit me up for money. Which is strange when you think about it. Bums need money for all kinds of things; food, booze, towels, bus tickets, you name it. But this one has thrown batteries into the mix. And these batteries can be expensive. I don't know how they can swing it. I hate buying batteries. They always make me go over my budget at the supermarket. Most portable things I own now are powered by turning a crank and powering up a small generator. My flashlights, my radio, my dialysis machine, all non battery powered. Mainly in an attempt to stay green, but also because I am too cheap to pay for batteries. Plus chicks dog it when you go all green on them. They really love a guy who gives a rats ass about the earth, or at least pretends to. This is my least annoying bum. He never bothers me for money or gets in my face. I can't say as I am a fan of seeing him just sit in front of a TV all day letting his life go by. But, to each his own.