It was 1943 and the battle for North Africa waged on. I was stationed with the 19th Flying Sunflowers under the command of General Percy M. GorillaBater and in love with a woman with a hair lip. But that's really not here nor there. Anywho, I was locked in a dogfight with Jerry somewhere over the desert when my plane started what could be only be called a rapid decent towards the earth. I couldn..t figure out if it was because I had run out of gas or because my plane had been riddled with bullets. Either way I was moving at a downward trajectory in an awfully big hurry. I pulled up on the stick, yet nothing happened. It looked bad. I did what I normally do in these situations. I cried like a big girly who just had her dolly taken away. However that didn't help either. Neither did the many heartfelt prayers that I cried out to that Jesus fellow the Chaplin was always going on and on about. What a crock. It was then that I remembered that I was wearing my parachute. I decided to jump. However due to my incessant crying and praying I decided too late. With only 100 feet between terra firma and me I leapt from the plane and pulled the cord. I smashed into the earth with what one local called a "dull thud that sounded like Allah dropping an egg". The chute opened. I laid on the sandy desert ground covered in silk and a lot of pain. "Damn" I yelled. I hated sand and I was pretty sure that some had gotten into my underpants. "Now I'll never get it out." Well sitting around wasn't going to do neither the Allies nor me any good. I figured I had better get walking and make my way back to the unit. Then I could get another plane and get my revenge on whichever German had decided to use my plane for target practice. I mean come on. Shooting at an American was simply uncalled for. Killing Germans was part of the game, but Americans? Please, this is war, have some dignity.
Well sitting around was going to get me anywhere, as I earlier stated, so I headed in a random direction hoping to find signs of civilization and a change of clothes. Now for reasons, which I failed to comprehend, there is no water in the desert. This came as quite a shock as I was sure that somewhere I had read that the desert flowed with an abundance of water and drinkable liquids. Well either read or dreamed, I couldn..t recall. What I could recall was that humans need water to live and I had better find some soon or I was going to be royally screwed. I pressed on. My stomach began to growl. Oh great, now I was thirsty and hungry. I reached down, grabbed some sand and stuffed and handful into my mouth. It was very dry and tasted like grainy dirt. It quelled my hunger but only went on to exasperate my thirst. Okay, that may not have been the best move. After taking four more steps I felt a growing pain in my stomach and began to cry. Jeez I don..t come off very manly in this story. Well anyway the pain was intense. It was as if I had eaten a large quantity of sand and it had....Oh crap! What had I done? The pain was so bad that I passed out. During that time I had visions of singing nymphs and chocolate bars that spoke and gave advice on which stocks I should buy. Must remember to invest in IBM when I get out of this. It was then that the spirit of Christmas came and said that if I didn..t change my ways I would die alone and be forced to carry a large chain though all of eternity. I..m not sure what that meant but if I ever get out of this I..m going to give money to the poor, increase Cratchet..s salary and find the best doctors for Tiny Tim. It was then that a voice called out and awakened me. ..Water, water, get your ice cold water here... I looked around and saw a girl with a pushcart, which did in fact have a sign on the side, which declared that she was indeed selling ice-cold water. I was saved. I ran over. ..Oh please, tell me what day this is.. I asked. ..It..s June 13th .. she declared. ..June 13th! I haven..t missed Christmas, the spirits did it all in one night with six months to spare. Thank you God, thank you Baby Jesus.., I shouted. The girl looked at me with a Dickensian scowl. ..Look I have no idea what the hell you..re talking about. But either buy some ice cold water or get lost.. Buy some water?! You bet I will. I reached into my wallet and pulled out my money. All I had was a fifty but I figured this not to be a problem. I handed over to money as my mouth watered at the mere thought of the water cascading down my thought. But was fantasy was short lived as she handed back the money. ..Hey pal do you have anything smaller, I just opened,.. she said. I replied that I didn"t but that she could keep the change. ..I don't need your pity tips.. she said. ..Twenty percent is all that I ask. Anything else makes me look cheap... I explained that I was really thirsty and went on to tell her about the war and my roll in it. She claimed not to know anything about a war and insisted that I had made the whole thing up. I assured her that it was in all of the papers and at that very moment John Wayne was preparing movies to be made shortly after it all ended, so that people could recall all the memories and good times that they had during the war. She laughed and told me to go and get the correct change, and that until I did she would sell me no water. I looked at her in disbelief. A disbelief, which soon changed into anger and then into confusion, that manifested itself into rage stopping off and wonderment circling around despondence and finally settling into disgust. ..What is your name oh preparer of refreshing life giving liquid?.. Andrea, Andrea Coronado. And I..m the most foul tempered, economically encoded, least informed on world events, seller of water in this or any other desert.., she replied. I had to take her word for it, seeing as how she was the only water seller in the desert that I had ever met. ..Fine.. I said, ..But we..ll meet again, either on this plane or in hell! And when we do, I will have my revenge... Later I made my way out of the desert, devised a plan to invade Normandy, conquered Germany and served eight uneventful years as President. But I have never forgotten that water seller. And now as I kneel her on a beach staring up at remains of the Statue of Liberty and finally realizing that I have in fact not landed on a planet where evolution has worked in reverse and that apes did not evolve from man. But am in fact home on earth, thousands of years in the future. That we did in fact blow it up and cause our own downfall. My thoughts turn to that water seller and I truly believe that she caused all of this. A tear rolls down my check.
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