Why Cage Fighting?

Lately I've been thinking about changing jobs. However I'm really sure what iwould like to do. Well actually that is not entirely true. I do know what i want to do, its just that those jobs seem fairly inaccessible. You know, things like astronaut, pro football quarterback, garden gnome or sheik. I think that I would make a hell of a sheik, especially with a harem at my beck and call. Man that would be a blast. Plus I really suck at being a Catholic, so I might as well give Muslim a try. You know, kind of hedge my bets. But that seems to be one of those inherited jobs, not the kind that an average Joe like me could get. Freakin' Muslims! You know, now that I think about it I am against a mosque in New York City. Keep me from living my dream will ya? I'm not really sure what is involved in being a Sheik. I guess if I learned anything from the movie Aladdin, it would be that most sheiks are of European descent, have long white beards, are roughly three feet tall, are horrible judges of character and are not the least bit phased by parrots who have mastered the English language.

But of all the jobs that I don't want, the one that tops the list is cage fighter. How does one decide that this is how they will spend their days on this earth? I can't think of one morning when I have woken up and thought, "Man, if I could do anything it would be to spend an inordinate amount of time in a gym, get wildly tattooed, forget how to speak good English, and learn to get punched in the face. Now if I could only combine all of that with some kind of wildly homo-erotic activity, my life would finally come together." No, I can honestly say that that thought has never crossed my mind. I do love it when these so called "tough guys" go on TV and talk about their careers with the seriousness of a NASA scientist. They seem to be awfully nervous because they sweat at an abnormal rate during the most basic of interviews. Its like watching Nixon in the last days of Watergate. Well it would be like that if Nixon then proceeded to challenge Sam Irvin to a no holds barred Texas Death Match. Oddly, I have more respect for Nixon then I do the average cage fighter. But that's neither here nor there. But I do love it when these sweaty leviathans start talking about their upcoming fight like its all manly and brutal. I guess if you broke down and analyzed what they were really saying you might get a better idea of what is really going on. For instance when one of them, lets call him "Mad Dog", starts talking he says something like, "This fight is going to be really hard, I've trained big time and I'm going to punch my opponents face all the way to China". What he is really saying is, "Tonight, I will walk into an octagonal shaped room with chain link fence for wall. Then I will undress until I am half nude and begin to roll around on the ground with another half nude man at which point we will begin to imitate acts that one normally sees in Filipino porn. Provided I don't get an erection my embarrassment level should be fairly nominal. This sport is wicked gay". Of course I kid, these guys would probably never use a word like nominal.